she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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