i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
