Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The feeling are messing with the penis
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
