Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
