Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
