I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
