sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
