This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
