This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
i think i just lost a toe
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
