I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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