My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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