He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
