I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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