We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
