This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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