You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
