Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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