He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
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