Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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