Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
she smelled like a LAN party
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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