In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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