We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
