Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
