if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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