How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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