i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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