We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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