My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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