Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
