My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
