Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
