You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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