You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
