Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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