Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
