Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
