Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
