highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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