The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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