So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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