Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
