When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
