You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
