Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
