when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
