Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
