i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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