i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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