either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
