Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you had me at cake vodka
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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