I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
