I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
